Cocaine Incarnate or a Generalist Assessment of the Environmental & Social Determinants of Not Giving a Shit About Anyone but Yourself

by Big Bruiser Dope Boy

Block all electronic communication from this point forward if I have not already done so

When I see you at a bar, a curt hello or nod is more than enough

Ignoring each other is fine, too

I will see how much energy I can put into not putting energy into it

When I squeeze past you and friends in shoulder-to-shoulder situations, excusing myself, give me a thumbs-up

Let me know I am doing the ignoring right

Yes, it was very terrible and shitty of me

Speech is action

Words do things in life

I proved you wrong by being wrong

Here, a new cruel reality of language I am hiding behind

This is me at my worst

This is me at my best

You will never trust me again

Make sure to send scouts ahead of you into rooms, to do the reconnaissance of me

Triangulate my locale to optimize avoidance

The cleanliness of being shrewd, callous, and impinged by fear of blades

Take feverish delight in self-directed mutilation

Find someone who does not care about you to insert hypodermic needles in your scrotum

Stabbed repeatedly with increasing vigor

Writhe, slap the mattress, transmute grunts into whimpers and cries

Tell me I am the best

Tell me no one has ever done this, made you feel this way, before

Tell me I do not know what I think I know

Tell me what you think I think I know

Provide opportunities to be self-righteous

Invite my broke self to collaborate on stir-fry whenever I want

Holding hands, walking down a red carpet fashioned from the red flags we joint-prolapsed

What, after all, is a clinger to a flake?

Self-effacement unfurling the ripples of its narcissism

(I will never have a job with diarrhea breaks)

Remove your shirt, tuck it into your waist

Playfully and affectionately grind your head in the chest of someone you met recently

Forgiveness is terrifying when you are not expecting to be forgiven

When you have been a bad person, and someone loves you anyway

I will never earn your hatred

You will never earn my hatred

My father told me, after not seeing him for eleven years, that insight does not necessarily mean change

Big Bruiser Dope Boy's first full-length poetry collection is available from CLASH Books.

Photograph: Walrus