The Goonifesto

by Big Bruiser Dope Boy

after Sam Pink




a silly, foolish, or eccentric person.

a bully or thug, especially one hired to terrorize or do away with opposition.
"a squad of goons waving pistols"


Do you like me? No? I am okay with that. So okay with it, actually, that I did not need to ask. It was rhetorical. Why am I okay with that? Because I am a goon.

A goon is silly, but works hard. A goon is foolish, as foolish as the cartoon world (getting more and more cartoonish every day) he/she/they inhabits and is compromised by, and knows and celebrates it. A goon succeeds by failing to live up to standards other people have set. A goon is eccentric, but eccentric just by being his/her/their self. A goon does not try to be eccentric. A goon is neither a poser nor a cool kid. A goon is not stuck in the past. A goon lives today, as everybody lives today.

Do I like you? Does it matter? It should not. Not if you are a goon.

Do you like you? That should matter. That is something you can do something about. If you do not like you, you can make fun of (“bully”) yourself, and change. Do not take yourself too seriously, goon. You are going to die someday. You could stand after reading this and die of an aneurysm. You do you. Do you as much as you can (you cannot do anything else).

Nobody is a goon’s boss, and a goon is nobody’s boss. A goon is his/her/their own boss. A goon-trepreneur. A goon is not an individualist. A goon is not a collectivist. A goon is a goon is a goon. Sorry to Goon-trude, Stein. Sorry, not sorry. Um, yeah, okay, can you not? Can we all just, for once, not?

The goon moon rises, the goon moon sets. The goon moon waxes full, the goon moon wanes anew. A goon enforces nothing but his/her/their own well-being, and strives to encourage other goons to do the same.

I am not on your side, but you have my full support. Do your goon thing. Goon it up.

So, I will ask you again: do you like me? Well, do you, goon?

Sam Pink is alive. Joey Russo is alive. Jereme Dean is alive. Sean Kilpatrick is alive. Nate Lippens is alive. James Long is alive. Ben Webb is alive. Big Bruiser Dope Boy is alive.

You are alive. Start acting like it. Do not stop, until death stops you.

Big Bruiser Dope Boy is a goon.

Image: from Vincent Gallo's "Buffalo '66"