Say Amen/How I’m a Masculinity

by Marston Hefner

We held each other way over the internet. Felt like I wouldn’t hold another internet the way I held her. She had a broken connection between how she saw herself and how the world saw herself. I had to trust in my connection so hard to fix her broken connection. I summoned the utmost of my courage and I trusted my connection harder than ever.

How fucked up is all this? Tell me the lights in my room are too bright. Now change. It’s actually the lights in your room that are incorrect. Let’s cling harder this time. Too hard. I find you suffocating. I’m still here girl. It is very significant. That I’m still here. I have been with girls I found suffocating before and I left. Like when you tell me I’m fine girl you’re just as fine your whole story is good. There’s a shower. Me being put in the shower by you sounds romantic. Then me licking your stomach. Me touching your stomach with my finger.

She reminds me of a person who is not her and that other person is past difficulty.

In my head we live together in the woods. Our cabin is well built. The cabin is made of wood. Incapable of harm is the songs we dance to. We call this a fantastic life to live. You’re a fantastic life to live.

I take off your shoes. You wear fake pink ballerina shoes. They are not real ballerina shoes but you’re a real ballerina. Or at least you look like you were at one point. I’m not sure but I think you could have been a professional ballerina. Or like, the best ballerina. And also your mother doesn’t love you as much as a mother should.

People don’t know who I am where I am. It’s almost like, it’s like I thought that once I got great at something there’d be recognition all around but that makes no sense. So I do this funny thing where I carry myself as if everyone knows I’m great all around. Sometimes I think your downcast low self-esteem is a running away from what I’m becoming. But I’m not too concerned with how things look but how I feel.

“I see you as patient, kind, and caring,” you wrote.

In our cabin the rain hits the windows. We watch a movie featuring an actress too scared to fall in love. In the end they break up and it’s sad for all of us, the viewer, the lover, but her especially. My ambivalence is a protective measure, and my honesty regarding the protective measure is my seduction style.

I want us to have a cabin and it will be a taste of the 1%. There will be a fireplace. There will be high ceiling. We’ll have a maid come to our cabin to make firewood. The jacuzzi will be hot. You’ll be with a hot and rich man. These things we will have. Our American Dream will be envied by those who aren’t in the 1%. I am all in on this plan you have.

I will tickle you in our bed and you will say stop it. I won’t stop it. Then I stop it at the right time because I know how to take tickling to the limit. To the absolute. I’ll take you to where you want to go. I can’t be God for you but I can show you where he is. He’s in my fingers. You don’t see it yet though. I’m certain God is in my fingers I think. Anyways it’s all about you seeing God.

Also you’re an animal and I’m not. I’m a human with a pre-frontal cortex. There are animals capable of developing pre-frontal cortexes but you aren’t one of them. We did brain scans and the results came back that there were no signs of a pre-frontal cortex at all or any possibility of having one even in a thousand years

So when you cry

It hurts less because

You have no pre-frontal cortex

And your life is better.

Did you know third marriages are the most successful? I bet people on their third marriages find pain funny. I wouldn’t be like that though. I’m going to dye your hair black, call you a different name, and marry you a third time.

Me, wanting my mother to love me in a way that is unforgivable. Me, in our cabin talking to you about that. We, being beautiful together talking about that. This life seems like a blessing and a curse. We are given unfortunate things and then we fall in love over them. As to those unfortunate things, it makes me think they are good.

I am sorry for many things deep inside. There are loves I am sorry for deep inside.

The truth is I have been hurt so many times. When I talk about love I talk about hurt. I have been hurt really bad and that’s the way it is. Before I go to sleep at night I am lonely. I think being alone really sucks and I hold out for someone. The loneliness happens at 8pm. The last time it didn’t happen was when I was in love. I’m trying to be in love again.

In our bed we will pray to the Lord. We’ll say “fuck you” to the Lord so it means “I love you” to ourselves. I want complete control of my life alongside you with complete control. I want us with complete control together so we can’t harm each other. We should look at the sky and say, “It’d be funny if it absorbed us into one but it can’t do that.”

We could have gotten good. We could have gotten great after getting good. We probably could have skipped the good altogether and gone to great. I could have been better at being around people but I’m not.

Even though we don’t speak, I like to think we’re still connected. I hope you find happiness. I hope you don’t kill yourself unless that means happiness. I want to find happiness too.

Marston Hefner is a writer living in Los Angeles.

Photograph: Canoes