Poems & Artwork

by Shane Allison

Fat Free

Diet orange soda
Diet Coca-Cola
Diet butter
Diet chili dogs
Diet egg nog
Diet quarter-pounders with cheese
Diet mayonnaise
Diet roast beef
Diet chicken thighs
Diet ribs
Diet whipped cream
Diet biscuits
Diet corn dogs
Diet smoked sausages
Diet cut pork loin roast
Diet ground beef patties
Diet Angel Food Cake
Diet pork pan sausage
Diet beef sandwich steak
Diet candy
Diet ribeye steak
Diet lard
Diet pig feet
Diet milkshakes
Diet sour cream
Diet beef franks
Diet pork chops
Diet ice cream sandwiches
Diet chitterlings
Diet fish sticks
Diet ham hocks
Diet cupcakes
Diet cube steak
Diet Lemon Meringue Pie
Diet Italian Cream Cake
Diet honey buns
Diet Twinkies
Diet fried grease balls
Diet pizza
Diet tacos
Diet burritos
Diet popcorn
Diet funnel cakes
Diet melted cheese
Diet smothered pork

  Image One 

Jarret’s Giant White Hetero Cock

Jarret’s white hetero cock is giant
Jarret’s giant white cock is hetero
Jarret’s hetero giant cock is white
Jarret’s cock is so giant and hetero
His cock Jarret’s cock is so giant and white and hetero
Jarret has such a white hetero giant cock
So hetero so giant and so white
Who knew
Who knew that Jarret’s cock was so white and hetero and giant
Jarret of all people has a giant white hetero cock
Out of all the men with white hetero giant cocks
Jarret’s cock is the whitest the most heteroist and giant
Out of all the giant white hetero cocks I have seen
Jarret’s white hetero cock has got to be the giantist
Just when you think you know someone
Just when I knew that I knew him
I find out that Jarret’s giant white hetero cock
Is the most giantist
I would have never believed it
I never would have known
Would have never guessed
That out of all the men with giant white hetero cocks
Jarret’s cock would be so hetero and so white and so giant
Giant cock
Jarret’s cock
Jarret’s white cock
Jarret’s hetero cock
Jarret’s cock is really giant really white and really hetero
Giant white hetero Jarret
So giant and white and hetero is Jarret’s cock
Who knew
I sure didn’t know
I sure as shit didn’t know
Did anyone else know that Jarret’s cock was so giant white and hetero
Jarret’s giant white hetero cock of all people
I never knew
I never had a clue

    Image Two 

If Only the World Were a Giant Belgian Waffle

I understand the human Belgian waffle
I wish the world was a giant Belgian waffle
I laugh at Billy the giant Belgian waffle
I touch the hairs on my father’s Belgian waffle
I slept on the freezing cold Belgian waffle
I dreamt I could be an impressionable Belgian waffle
I cried when my Belgian waffle died
I hear the call of the Belgian waffle
I touch myself when I see a Belgian waffle
I am the man of the Belgian waffle when my dad’s away
I wish they would stop peeking at my Belgian waffle
I smell a Belgian waffle of accomplishment
Why am I here, Belgian Waffle?
I think of snow covered Belgian waffles
I can’t love you like my Belgian waffle
I feel this Belgian waffle destroying our love
I wish I could speak a little more Belgian waffle
I wonder what would happen if I ever lost that Belgian waffle
I enjoy talking to Belgian waffles and sharing Belgian waffle memories
I just felt a Belgian waffle rub up against my arm
I pretend sometimes to be queen of the Belgian waffle
I understand that you have a slight problem with your Belgian waffle?
I hope George Clooney will come to my Belgian waffle party
I know I am crazy because my Belgian waffle is
I like my Belgian waffle because he bites people
I know 9,528 Belgian waffles with an F
I fight with the security guard who tries to take my Belgian waffle
I enjoy the flowers of the Belgian waffles
Excuse me, but I hear my Belgian waffle calling me

      Image Three 


We have found a great goddamn car price for you
Get your goddamn $100 Kohl’s gift card
AMC has all your top goddamn movies at all the right goddamn times
Naked goddamn models show off
Hairstyles to refresh your goddamn look
Look 20 years younger in minutes goddamn you!
Goddamn fetish night this evening
Don’t you want to goddamn see better
Net neutrality and the goddamn arts
How to have your perfect goddamn garden and eat it too
Open goddamn house next week!
Get twice the Avengers action goddamn it
The new goddamn turkey Italiano melt just hit your goddamn box
Get auto insurance for $9 a goddamn week
New goddamn fat burner takes GNC by storm
Eat this, never diet again, goddamn it!
Finding the right goddamn dental plan is cheap and goddamn easy
You may qualify for a goddamn scholarship
30 plus new goddamn jobs in Tallahassee
Pizza and drink for $9.99 yes, goddamn it!
27 pounds in 1 goddamn month with this one trick
Towne Park is goddamn interested in you
Open immediately, goddamn it!
Come on, goddamn it, get happy!
Affordable deal coverage is just a few goddamn clicks away
Buy two goddamn it, get a 3rd free
Last goddamn chance to shop our sale
Shop on the go with the goddamn eBay app
Reminder: you’ve got money in your goddamn Pay Pal account
Your goddamn book order is in
Congrats goddamn it, you’ve been selected to get pay after delivery
Your goddamn submission has been selected

  Image Four 

Here’s the Thing

I love you most when you’re sipping soup
When the juice from the chicken soup
Leaks like a leak from the bottom of the spoon
When the spoon is filled to the rim
With chicken soup juice & you are sipping
Sipped chicken juice from the spooned chicken soup
& the noodles make a big splash in the pool bowl
In your pool bowl of soup, chicken soup
Chicken souped juices sipped from your chicken soup spoon
From your chicken soup pool bowl
That has a spoon like a pickle
You are the bestest
The most dreamiest
The most marvelousiest
When you eat pickle
There is nothing more superb
Than a pickle-eating man
Eating pickle-eating pickles
I am such the pickle for a pickle-eating marvelous man
For chicken soup sipping sipness
A pickle juice punk
That is what I am
A pickle juice punk for your fingers pickle juice-stained with pickle juice
Chicken juice soupiness
Chicken juice sipness sipping pickle juice pinkness
Can’t decide between you
Can’t decide between the two
Chicken soup juices or pickle juice juices
You sipping chicken soup soupiness soup
From pickle juice juiciness juices
I am as sharp as a noodle
My thoughts run down the pickle train train tracks of pickles
Join me
Join in
Join in me for chicken noodled noodles
For pickled pickles pickened

  Image Five 

Greetings and Salutations

Hey, how you doin’?
Good. How you doin’?
That’s good, so what’s up?
Nothing much, what’s up with you?
Nothing . . . much, so what’s goin’ on?
Nothing, I’m good.
That’s good.
Are you good?
I’m good. I’m doing good.
That’s good.

Shane Allison has been called a fag, a nigger, and a genius. His poetry collections include I Remember (Future Tense Books), Slut Machine (Queer Mojo Press) and Live Nude Guys (Gimmick Press). His new collection, Sweet Sweat, is forthcoming later this year. Shane is at work on new artwork and poetry. Check him out on Instagram @Shaneallison2400.

Artwork: Collage by Shane Allison